Test-retest reliability [16 Mar 2010|09:54pm] groove_adam http://grooveadam.blogspot.com/2010/03/test-retest-reliability.html "Wow you live a glamorous life, but that's not what really happened." is what B said to me. It's true. I told him he shouldn't read it when I am away. I wouldn't want to read his either. I don't like to now as it depresses me. He recently canceled his blogger account. We're fine at the moment. I'm fine, at least. Tired. Exhausted easily. Waiting on my funding situation. It sounds like I may have a graduate assistantship that will take care of that. If I get it I will need to start in August. Which means I will need to move in July. I still have not heard back about financial aid or anything, however the first thing is getting my tuition waived and a stipend. If I don't get the graduate assistantship next week then I still have a chance at a teaching assistantship. If I don't get any funding next year it would jeopardize me attending. I'm still in a state of waiting. Not quite secured even though I joined the school's network on Facebook. I'm doing everything I can. I still want to take a few weeks off in between working and grad school. Maybe even a month off. I would like to do so in July. I have little money to play around with, which is why I thought living in a commune would be my best option. If I suddenly landed a few thousand dollars from the scratch off tickets I play every Sunday and off chance day when I have a dollar bill in my wallet, I might go on a cruise. I might go to Europe. I wouldn't mind trying a gay cruise even if the crowd is older. I like having drinks bought for me. I like stability in others as much as I seem physically drawn to instability. B is going through an identity crisis that I do not have the qualifications in helping with. This has resulted in him taking a Myers-Briggs personality test and getting two different scores. I have consistently scored as INTJ. "INTJs’ precision thinking and need for accuracy causes them to be inflexible at times. Having thought out a strategy, the INTJ may stubbornly disregard those who they think have not spent as much time reflecting on an idea as they have. This, along with their drive to produce something significant, can make them demanding and difficult. If their plans and solutions fall short of their high standards, INTJ's feel pressured — as if everything is on the line. "Everything," for an INTJ, is the competence and ability to produce something significant. Fear of not living up to this expectation will increase their stress and possibly dissuade them from risking or trying out their ideas. They may then find themselves thinking about ideas that do not have a meaningful or productive end." "When stress increases, the INTJ can become argumentative and disagreeable. Social interaction, which is not their strength, becomes increasingly difficult for them. Not trusting their own abilities, they become preoccupied with obsessive notions. The INTJ may then find themselves spending an inordinate amount of time fighting horrible thoughts, tempting absurdities, and feelings of worthlessness. Fearful of others recognizing their perceived failure, the INTJ incessantly ruminates about mistakes, inadequacies, weaknesses, ineptness, and incompetence. Because this distracts them from risking what little confidence they may have left in themselves, it therefore keeps them from obtaining the success and achievement they so desperately need." Sounds pretty negative, even if INTJs are sometimes called "rational-masterminds." Careers associated with INTJ personality include psychologist, judge, engineer, economist, and professional jerk. ???

detroit sucks [15 Mar 2010|08:43pm] rksdf I am reading Middlesex right now. I am reading it because an English colleague recommended it to me while we were developing our personal skills on Endor. He recommended it to me because I was from Michigan (also because he thought it was the best novel he'd read and my being from Michigan reminded him of the book). It is at some level about a hermaphrodite who was raised in Detroit. The references to Michigan I have appreciated because they've been spot on and remind me of home. The book has also gotten me very slightly interested in the concept of Detroit (mainly geographically, really). My views on Detroit can be summed up fairly simply: I think it is a shit hole and a cultural wasteland (with a lowercase c, rather than a capital C); I can at a very basic, perhaps common sense, level understand why it failed; at a visceral, childish level, I am glad it failed; based on nothing more than my naïve and ill-informed opinions, I suspect it has not yet hit rock bottom and I do not think it will in my lifetime rebound in any meaningful way. And after basically writing that I hate Detroit, there is perhaps little point going on, or at the very least there is a desire to go on about why Detroit sucks, what were the elements of its downfall, and why I want to see it fail, which is not really helpful or socially affirming prose. If I had a television and if I'd known about it, I might have watched the documentary on Detroit that was on BBC2 on Saturday night (still available on iPlayer--as I write this I have been without a DSL connection/dialtone at home for four days). Based on the article I read about the documentary, I understand it focuses to some degree on how Detroit went from a powerful metropolis in the fifties to a city of 30+ per cent. unemployment and effectively no tax base today, with something shocking like a 47 per cent. functional illiteracy rate, but how there are musicians and artists and urban farmers who are paving the way for the future of dystopian regrets. Fine--it's not going to get me to set foot in the city, let alone want to move there. Sure, you can buy a house in Detroit for $800, but at the end of the day, it is still a house in Detroit. I base my estimation of a city in large part on the quality of its universities and law firms. On that basis, New York, Los Angeles and Chicago lead the pack of American cities. Other strong players on at least one dimension would include San Francisco and Boston. I think strong universities are important for culture with a lowercase c; I think good law firms tend to have their fingers in a lot of different pots, which suggests the presence of different pots in which to put fingers (shame on Chicago for being a tad too regional in its pots, perhaps), which feeds into diversity of economy but which is just kind of more interesting to me in the first instance. Other points are derivative (I don't think good universities are derivative of thriving cities, but they are arguably necessary for the maintenance of thriving cities--consider Detroit, for example, and don't dare try to tell me there have ever been good universities (where good universities would include Columbia, NYU, UCLA, USC, Chicago and Northwestern, for example) in Detroit, even when it was booming). Nice parts of a city are important, too--as much as I am in awe of Bloomfield Hills, it's in a completely different county, for crying out loud. International elements couldn't hurt for developing a healthy city, and the fact that Detroit borders Canada is perhaps no more relevant than for forming the stuff of Gordon Lightfoot lyrics. So, there are no good universities in Detroit, and no top flight law firms. It is a town built on one pot, auto, and that pot's gone. It's been going for forty years, and nobody tried to set up anything else. Urban farming isn't a pot, because it's not going to spawn a university or a law firm, and so we write off Detroit--we don't spend $800 on a house in Detroit, because that would be a waste of $800. We write it off, and we move on, preferably to Chicago or New York if we're interested in city life. Detroit ought not be encouraged any more--it isn't doing anyone any good, apart from teaching a very hard and disturbing lesson about how not to build a city. /B/ 2 !!!???

A star is born [14 Mar 2010|03:43pm] groove_adam http://grooveadam.blogspot.com/2010/03/star-is-born.html I suppose it's time to update. Life has been tritely busy. I've done little thinking about my birthday. I've thought more about other birthdays in the month. It seems like an overwhelming number of gays were born in March. There's probably no correlation. Many people have sex in the month of June. To the tune of Madonna's "Crazy For You" or George Michael's "Careless Whisper" maybe. I was born in the 80s thank you very much. Gays born in the 90s are now making their way into the scene. I refuse to want to sleep with them, although it's probably inevitable if it hasn't happened already. I'll be on a college campus again. It feels a little bit like I'm going back in time yet I'm different than I was then. I think I'm better looking, or at least more aware of my personal style. More confident. I am drawn to older guys with confidence and a career too. I know from a brief stint before my birthday last year that younger guys want me more than they have before. Lately I haven't really noticed other guys. I've been in my own little world and not feeling very interested in a lot of basic drives. B and I were fighting more until recently. We've already started the separation process whether we like it or not. Although, surprisingly, I haven't felt like pursuing other guys. I have no interest in dating or even the slightest forging of a relationship. I've tried to remain open to this as I have told B to not refuse anything should something come along. He doesn't seem like he wants to pursue much either. The last few nights, however, have been nice again. We've hung out like friends and enjoyed each other. When I'm not so fixated on the terms of our relationship, I can be fun to hang out with despite my introverted tendencies. Last night I bought a bunch of odd things at Trader Joe's, from cheese to Asian sticky ice cream. I think I may be pregnant. I once talked about my fear of pregnancy with a psychoanalyst, not of actually being pregnant. But of pregnancy in a woman. Why does it gross me out so much? There's the whole medicalization of pregnancy in society which is sexist in its undertones as much as medicalization has been good given how dangerous pregnancy used to be. Women have their own doctors and grow up early on knowing that they'll have to make more medical appointments than their male counterparts. As if their anatomy were a pathology in itself. I am very interested in illness conceptualization, including hysteria in women, and hypochondriasis in gay men. So many of us have a fear of seroconverting (becoming HIV positive) yet condom use doesn't reflect this. This is future research that I need to develop theoretically, that I am not yet comfortable in discussing on a panel, Philosopher. I want to see what's out there on hypochondriasis, anxiety, and perceptions of risk. Although I must be careful as I really despise a lot of the risk research focused on gay men. And the whole notion of "risk" is morally loaded. I have to be careful. Fortunately, I have my former Catholic lens to revert back to when I'll be doing this research. As much as this dogma was damaging to the developing self it has proven pretty invaluable for coming up with good research questions. Catholic dogma is a wonderfully pathological way at conceptualizing pleasure. Vatican gay prostitution ring lately? ???

[13 Mar 2010|03:13am] thelastrobot Here is a thing I started doing. Follow me on it and we can see which of us loses interest first! http://twitter.com/ericautomatic ???

Grand Rapids, MI's very own!!!! [10 Mar 2010|06:21pm] grandrapidsmi [joethecabdriver] http://www.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/index.html ???

selling used books [10 Mar 2010|01:43pm] grandrapidsmi [rebooten_tag] where in grand rapids can i go to sell used books for cash?  I've already tried schuler's and Argos in east town.  The books i am trying to sell is Manga, so if that helps.   thanks for the help.  if any of you guys are interested this is what i have: * Mars vol. 1 - 7 $5 each * Neon genesis evangelion vol 1, 4 $5 each * Hellsing vol 2-4 $5 each * Magic Knights rayearth 1 - 3 $5 each * Rurouni Kenshin vol 1 - 7 in japanese $10 each * how to draw manga vol 1 - $15 * busorenkin vol 2 $5 each * deathnote vol 2 $5 each * Genshiken vol 1 $5 each * Watchmen - $10 * Astonishing x-men 1 - 2 - $5 * Ultimate x-men 1 - $5 ???

[09 Mar 2010|05:17pm] beachgrass So for the last month or so I've been thinking a lot about building "partscaster" guitar. That being a Telecaster that I buy all the parts for and put together myself. I would do this, not because it would save me money, but because nobody makes the guitar that I want. The plan is to keep the project to under 1,000 dollars. This means that I will paint the guitar myself. Which means it might end up looking kind of unprofesh, but whatever. The color I'm going for is called "shell pink." It looks like this... But I will put a black pickguard on it and a whammy bar and a stratocaster headstock. Like this... But that is just a drawing. And this is just a dream. lol. 3 !!!???

learn about wayne thiebaud [07 Mar 2010|10:53pm] strawdogs [ mood | tired ] ( Painter of 1950s-era diner cakes and pastries, as well as some other things. ) And now you have something to talk about. 6 !!!???

Losing my michigan accent [07 Mar 2010|07:51pm] groove_adam http://grooveadam.blogspot.com/2010/03/losing-my-michigan-accent.html I had a wonderful lamb stew in my neighborhood today. The broth was actually quite light. The strew came with my choice of chopped herbs -- I chose cilantro. It was a good choice. They also gave me a lemon slice and hot sauce, which I added to the soup. This was before my savory "Chicago" crepe came out, with goat cheese, roasted peppers, pine nuts, avocado, and Merguez (Algerian lamb sausage). It was so delicious I could have died. I said "Chicago" as Chi-caww-go without any thought today like a Chicagoan. It caught me by surprise. I need to renew my license soon and at that point I'll become an official Illinois resident. I'm not particularly excited about that. I don't identify as a person who lives in Chicago. I feel like I belong on the West Coast somewhere. I don't know as if I'll ever really feel at home anywhere. It was easy to adjust to living here. The culture is Midwestern culture. Sure, I see a few things that people who live in cities see. But it's mostly what you would see in a collection of small Midwestern towns. Chicago feels like a small town. Gays are pretty conservative here too. There are a few gems in this town but I haven't been able to find the scene I'm looking for. Some of the most edgy in appearance looking guys are the most conservative when it comes to their sexualities. I don't get it. One common theme of all the people I meet is disappointment. I am constantly disappointed. I've been chatting with a former classmate who is just getting out of the military. I think we've both dispelled some of the stereotypes we had about each other. Given my interest in masculinity, I have always found men in the military interesting. I am not ruling out the military for a couple of years when I am a psychologist to help with my debt. I am also not ruling out prison work. Another gay in my graduate program added me as a friend. He is very traditionally masculine. I am so interested in this masculinity thing. I don't really know where I fall, I am certainly not traditionally masculine. However I wouldn't consider myself a very good gay either. I can be "bitchy" but I can also be incredibly flat. I can appreciate a gay diva but I don't like to shop. I like art and am interested in fashion but I don't feel very good at critiquing dresses. I suck at cooking. I hate American Idol and Project Runway annoys me. So does Lady GaGa. I can't stand fake tans and hairlessness as well as sweet drinks. But I like talking about my "feelings." Musicals seem vapid and pointless but drama holds my attention. I like scotch. ???

Tower of learning [07 Mar 2010|06:17pm] groove_adam http://grooveadam.blogspot.com/2010/03/tower-of-learning.html I'm looking for the tower of learning I'm looking for the copious prize I saw it in your eyes, what I'm looking for I saw it in your eyes, what I'm looking for I really do fear that I'm dying I really do fear that I'm dead I saw it in your eyes, what I'm looking for I saw it in your eyes, what will make me live All the sights of Paris Fell inside your iris Tip the Eiffel Tower, with one glance Stained glass cathedrals, with one glint You smashed it with your eyes What I'm looking for Once blink and then my heart wasn't there no more I'm looking for the tower of learning I'm looking for the copious prize -Rufus Wainwright ???

Groove saturday [06 Mar 2010|10:40pm] groove_adam http://grooveadam.blogspot.com/2010/03/groove-saturday.html ???

"green" meat [06 Mar 2010|12:55pm] grandrapidsmi [gear_eagle] Is there a good place around here to buy non-factory farmed meat? Open pasture, sustainable, predator-friendly, etc? 6 !!!???

I will eat your cupcakes. With tea. [05 Mar 2010|09:20pm] sailor_ashley 1 !!!???

Morning roulette [05 Mar 2010|01:46pm] groove_adam http://grooveadam.blogspot.com/2010/03/morning-roulette.html The train is like a roulette wheel when it comes to cute boys to occupy my morning commute. I don’t read as I get too distracted by others’ energy. I listen to the same music, on shuffle, and daydream. This is the personality trait of both an introvert and Pisces. When the train pulls into each station I always see one or two boys on the platform worth looking at. The train slows down past them, letting them in 2 or 3 cars behind the car I am sitting in. I’m stuck next to the large black guy with psychomotor agitation, which is just a fancy way for saying this guy is restless and obnoxious. Counting on his fingers. It’s contagious. Skip to next song. Nobody says anything to him, except for a black woman who is channeling my annoyance. Many times I feel on the same wavelength as black women. However, on the exterior I’m a short white man and know my place on public transportation. I don’t respond to public outbursts from the perpetually ignored. Larger people take advantage of the space I do not occupy. They’ll wiggle into a seat right next to me, disrupting my inner world that doesn’t include an ass that takes up two seats. I keep my arms in my pockets and look out the window to the next cute boy who ends up 3 cars behind. Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love” is a song I didn’t manage to skip over today as the elevated train descends into the bowels of the city. It’s so dirty underground, not because of the wet darkness but from the mold growing on the cloudy plastic around the fluorescent lights. I enter downtown Chicago every morning and am shot out of him every evening. Chicago is a dude bro who has a decent office job. Chicago may or may not posses an MBA. Chicago is not feminine or sophisticated or cultured like Paris. Chicago votes for Obama but will laugh at a faggot joke. Chicago may or may not have jacked off with New York while very intoxicated as an undergrad. I used to feel a lot of anxiety on my commute to work. Now I just miss that my coffee’s almost finished and that there wasn’t a cute boy in sight. I’ve been enjoying B more lately. We’re more playful than we have been in awhile. I feel more affectionate toward him. He never changes emotionally though. I don’t really know what he feels. We’ve been watching the show In Treatment a lot. If you’re not familiar, it’s an HBO series about a psychotherapist in private practice. Every episode is a therapy session. It is one of the better portrayals of actual therapy even if there are still too many lines of “how does that make you feel?” The expressions on Gabriel Byrne’s face, the actor who plays Dr. Paul Weston, are very good depictions of therapist demeanor. B has been watching every episode with me; I don’t know how he has been able to enjoy it. It’s not really his interest. Although sometimes I think it is. In some ways it’s like we’re in therapy together watching the show. I know I’ve been annoyed with him at the beginning of the show, but after watching a session with Paul I am no longer annoyed with B. Where we are in the first season Paul is struggling with some of his patients as his personal life (mainly his marriage) is suffering. It was B’s birthday and he wanted to use up our once monthly self-imposed McDonalds ration. I wasn’t going to get him anything since we have reservations at a French restaurant for our anniversary next week, however I thought of how his mother wouldn’t call him. I bought him some Vosges dark chocolate eggs filled with caramel and bits of bacon (“bacon and eggs”). I like that we’re gay and can get each other things like chocolates and bath stuff. I tested some Chanel cologne at Nordstrom near the Vosges store. B said that although he liked it, he thought it was weird because it didn’t make me smell like me. Then I wondered if he thought I had just met up with another boy, and if I sprayed that to cover it up. Subconsciously maybe I wanted him to think that to show me that he still cares. He’s always told me I expect too much from him and see things that aren’t there. I think he is most comfortable in a state of self-pity. He refuses to hold his mother or family accountable for their incompetence -- for raising him not to feel anything, for raising him in an even blacker cultural hole than I was raised in. He’s told me, “At least your mother acted like a mother and invested herself in that role, however misguided.” I agree with him. As a result, I have emotions. I can write about myself. I may have more guilt and anxiety, but B has anxiety that just manifests physically. He can’t sleep worth shit half the time. It’s important for children to hate their parents first before coming around to accepting them for their limitations, to eventually come to a point where you have confronted the things that are wrong with you, that may or may have resulted from their failings. To accept them as people who were damaged by their parents too. To assume the role they once did as teacher god. They’re learning too. Ask them how does it make you feel. ???

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